It is the funniest thing as humans, when we want to buy stock, we do all our research to figure out which stock we want to invest. When we want to buy a house, it’s a big investment, so we literally go to look at house after house, before deciding which one to buy. But as mothers, when we have children, we think about it, then one day you become pregnant and then here we go – suddenly you are a Mother! This is by far the BIGGEST investment we can make in our lives. We really have no true guidance and you have to learn the way to best raise the child as a Mother. Most of us draw from our experiences of how we were brought up and this style of parenting is normally passed down from generation to generation.
For me, growing up in China as a Chinese daughter, I learned in that culture many beliefs such as the old saying that says “Every parent wants their child to become a Dragon” and in Chinese culture, a Dragon symbolizes success & power. When I was young, I can remember the first time I ever thought about having a child I thought, “I want my son or daughter to go to Harvard”, because that’s the mentality of the culture in which I was raised. You always want your children to do better than you.
Another Chinese saying is “Your children need to do better than you so you want to give them tough love and push them to reach their fullest potential and achieve that success”. In the Chinese culture it is believed that’s what’s best for them. Growing up in that culture, as a Chinese daughter, that is what I learned about parenting.
When I came to the United States, almost 24 years ago, I was a young adult – unmarried with no kids and I found that American culture was very interesting. I actually came to the United States to pursue my Masters degree in computer engineering, which was not something I enjoyed, but rather something to fulfill my parents’ wishes and expectations of having a successful daughter.
I saw how my (now) husband’s, who happens to be American, mother raised him was a little different from what I was used to. I found that American parents really focused on what their kids’ passion is and encourage success through that passion. So I thought, “Wow, what an interesting approach to parenting.” But I also noticed that in America, parents were much more lenient and tolerant of children testing their boundaries.
Some years later, when I became a mother and I was raising my first child, (who was later diagnosed with Autism) I had some difficulty in the beginning. When my son was born, before he was diagnosed with Autism, the first thing that came to my mind, was that I wanted my son to go to Harvard and I think this belief stemmed really from my Chinese upbringing. I can remember one day when he was very young, I was teaching him how to pour water from one bucket to another and he simply could not do it. I broke down crying thinking to myself “How will he ever go to Harvard?” Eventually at age 6 & 1/2 he was finally diagnosed with Autism. At that point I really had to look deep into my beliefs to ask myself what was the most important thing I wanted for my child? After thinking about it, I realized that the most important thing I wanted for my child was happiness. I knew that this happiness would be an extension of the child’s confidence and being comfortable with who he was and accepting who he was.
Through all of these challenges, I had to take a good look at how I was raised and figure out what parts of my Chinese culture I wanted to extract and apply to my own parenting skills. When I looked at my upbringing and I thought about how Chinese parents as a whole push their children to reach their fullest potential I realized that it wasn’t a negative motivator that caused the children to succeed, it was the existence of boundaries. Of course Chinese parents love and adore their children, but they tend to be more stern and very firm with their decisions. Once they make a decision, the children very rarely have wiggle room. I compare this to swaddling a newborn baby. When a baby is born, we swaddle it with warm blankets and hold it close to make it feel safe & protected. As the child grows, I think of boundaries like that baby’s blanket – continuing to make the child feel safe and protected as it navigates its way through life.
On the other hand, I was also adjusting to life in America, so I had to really look hard at this new culture to decide what, if any, parts I wanted to extract for my parenting style. The thing that I really wanted to apply to my children was encouraging the development of their own passions through love and caring to truly developing the child’s confidence.
So through all of this internal debate over parenting and now raising both an Autistic and non-Autistic child, I was able to truly find a method that worked for me. By combining styles from both the East & West to parent in a manner I call “Firm & Sweet.” Firm being the existence of clear boundaries for my children and Sweet being the love and caring to allow my children to pursue their passions explore their own happiness. By applying this principle of being firm & sweet, I’ve seen my children grow to flourish, strive for their own achievements and most importantly, be happy.
